A is for Awful

•February 22, 2010 • 5 Comments

The A-team reboot will be the most brilliant movie ever. I’m talking a gozillian times better than Transformers and GI-Joe put together. That’s right, a gozillian, which is equal to the circumference of Michael Bay’s head multiplied by the number of Godzilla movies that sucked. However, as with Transformers and GI-Joe, viewers should follow a few guidelines to maximize enjoyment.

First, forget about the original A-Team show. Otherwise you’ll become suicidal over the cookie cutter plot, ridiculous action sequences and the severe lack of Mr. T. Aside from my feelings toward the audience, there will be no fool pitying going on in the 2010 A-Team movie. The best moviegoers can hope for is some new replacement catchphrase contrived by a team of hack writers for UFC star Quinton Jackson.

Second, don’t ask too many questions. Don’t ask why that plane that just exploded and somehow a tank fell out of it completely unharmed. Don’t ask why that tank just happened to be equipped with parachutes. Just concentrate on the pretty colors or you’re never going to make it out alive.

Finally, don’t forget the cannabis. Recent studies have shown that Marijuana can relieve neuropathic pain and muscle spasms, both of which you will have after watching the A-Team.

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Links for Movie Lovers

•February 17, 2010 • Leave a Comment

This site is all about instant gratification. So before you chew off all your fingernails waiting for me to build up content, here are some places you can go to satisfy your inner film geek.

IMDB

If you don’t know about this site already you either just discovered the Internet yesterday or you hate movies. (And America. And puppies. What’s wrong with you? Puppy hater.) At IMDB you can find out everything you need to know about every movie or TV show ever. Are you curious who was the location scout for Gigli? Dying to know who the Key Grip was for Cannonball Run II? You can find out at IMDB.

WorstPreviews

This is a great site to check for all the newest movie previews. Unlike the snark you’re going to find here at I’ll be in my Trailer, this site goes more in depth to talk about production and development of upcoming films. The site also includes movie news, reviews of movies that have been released, and a fairly active forum.

Comingsoon.net

This site offers a daily list of updates on all the latest previews. Not only do they list previews but when a different version a preview is released they let you know about it. For example, today there’s a new Alice in Wonderland preview that has slightly more footage! Again, the site also offers movie news, reviews, a forum, and a list of the most “popular” films and articles.

Rotten Tomatoes

This is the place to go for movie reviews. They pull together reviews from a variety of sources and use some kind of magical formula to give each movie an overall rating. As with other sites you can also find news and previews.

IMP Awards

A true movie lover should also appreciate movie posters. This site has the most comprehensive collection of movie posters on the net. The site also doles out awards for the best and worst posters of the year, along with other categories like funniest, bravest, etc.

The Last Airbender

•February 14, 2010 • 4 Comments

Welcome to I’ll be in my Trailer, where you don’t have to wait for the movie to be released to read the review.  Sure, all the reviews here will be complete speculation but at least you don’t have to wait for them.

For the first post, I’ll be reviewing the upcoming M. Night Shyamalan film, The Last Airbender:

The Last Airbender will be a failed live action adaptation of a cartoon. As we know from Lord of the Rings, nothing can ever be adapted well enough to satisfy fans of the original. The only known exception to this rule is the film Left Behind and its sequels. In that case, both the books and the films are equally terrible and fans of the original had no taste to begin with.

With Shyamalan directing you can at least blame the horrific bastardizing of the source material on the need to contrive some kind of twist ending. If we’re lucky, the ending will explain just how Shyamalan scored a deal to direct a 250 million dollar movie after making The Happening, a movie with a malevolent breeze as the antagonist.