Prince of Persia: Lord of the Rings 4

•May 11, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time is the charming tale of some ordinary British people who must return a magic ring dagger to Mt. Doom the Secret Guardian Temple, the one place it can be destroyed kept safe. Along the way they have to fight a lot of Orcs Hassassins who are trying to steel the ring dagger for their master, Lord Sauron The Vizier.

You can look forward to a lot of nifty special effects, epic battles, and sepia lighting. The best part, however, is that the main character “has a destiny.” That’s sort of like being a chosen one. In other words, you won’t have to worry about the stress of wondering what’s going to happen. He gets the girl, saves the world, and earns enough experience points to unlock the bonus level. It’s what he was “chosen” to do.

Iron Man 2: Heroes and Villains and Henchmen, oh my!

•April 19, 2010 • 2 Comments

Comic book franchise films all seem to suffer from a similar fate. The first movie usually covers the origin story of the hero and the villain. The second movie introduces one or more new villains. If they make it to the third film, you get Spiderman 3’s tangled web of story lines and personalities all pulling in different directions.

Iron Man 2 not only introduces new villains, but also new heroes. In spite of claims made in this interview, the film miserably fails to avoid the pitfalls of a multi-villain comic book movie. Just take a look at this list of the new heroes and villains crammed into Iron Man 2:

Black Widow:
The typical “girl who kicks ass” character

Back story: Blah, Blah, Blah, orphan, blah, blah, blah, Russian spy, blah, blah, blah…

Powers: Ability to hit things, kick things, use James Bond / Batman style weapons, kung fu grip

Whiplash: Typical mad scientist character

Back story: In Russia I am electromechanical engineer. In USA I live in warehouse plotting revenge

Powers: Ability to construct weapons out of spare parts, like building a bomb out of some toothpicks, a bag of sugar and an iPod

Henchman: Think of the foot soldiers from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons

Back story: Lost his job when the economy went bad and decided to go to henchmen college

Powers: Ability to be easily defeated in a spectacular manor

Texting Addict Girl: The future of America

Back story: @ mall rite now & just saw Justin Bieber!! OMG! cant beleave it!!! LOLZ!!

Powers: Ability to txt 700 words per minute while crashing her dad’s car into a crowd of school children.

UPOM (Unreasonable Political Opponent Man): Typical politician

Back story: After loosing an election, UPOM went insane and started calling everything his political opponents tried to do a “government takeover”

Powers: Ability to defeat any argument by claiming his opponent wants to destroy America

Insurance Company Executive Woman: scum of the earth

Back Story: Sold soul to Satan in exchange for billions in profits

Powers: Ability to maintain profit margins by denying coverage to children

Wall Street Executive Boy: scum of the earth

Back Story: got bored raping butterflies and kittens one day and decided to starting start raping everything else

Powers: Ability to lose billions of dollars, destroy the entire global economy and still get a huge performance bonus at taxpayer expense

With all of these crazy characters, it’s hard to enjoy all the explosions and special effects. Iron Man 3 will be even worse when they introduce yet another new character: Franchise Milking Hollywood Executive Man.

Why Did I Get Married Too: Tyler Perry’s Big Fat Head

•March 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I could spend time explaining how awful the awkwardly titled Why Did I Get Married Too is going to be. Thankfully, there’s no need. You see, all Tyler Perry movies and TV shows all have one thing in common: they all have his name plastered in front of the title. That’s really all you need to know.

You might think this naming convention is just a marketing scheme, targeting people who have crappy taste in movies Perry’s loyal fan base. Or you might think it’s done to placate Tyler Perry’s ego, which is so massive it can only be contained by the Jupiteresque planetoid that sits atop his shoulders. In either case, you’d be wrong.

The real reason Tyler Perry’s name is included is to act like a disclaimer. If you were to go see something like Why Did I Get Married Too you would have fair warning that the movie was made by Tyler Perry, and would therefore be a complete pile of crap.

The TP Advanced Warning System, or T-PAWS as I’ve come to call it, was first initiated back in 2005 after hordes of unsuspecting moviegoers were subjected to Diary of a Mad Black Woman. After seeing the film, people started having nightmares. Some committed suicide. Others turned to drugs.

I was a victim myself. I still bleach my eyeballs everyday and use a Brillo pad in the shower but nothing helps. I can’t get the images out of my head. I still feel dirty. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, screaming, “The plot line! The characters! The horror!”

In the aftermath, congress passed bipartisan legislation requiring all future TP films to have the halfwit scribe’s name in the title. (I think they called it “the even more patriotic act”.) Thanks to this legislation, the only people who will be subjected Tyler Perry films will be those foolish enough to ignore the warning.

Clash of the Titans: Of Jedi and Congressmen

•March 21, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Spoiler alert: At the end of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, Qui-Gon Jinn dies from a sudden case of lightsaber indigestion. Obi-Wan would be glad to know that his mentor lives once more, as the king of the Greek gods, Zeus. In the upcoming remake of the 1981 fantasy classic Clash of the Titans, Qui-Gon Zeus should be safe from potential lightsaber attacks by his Magical Armor of Lens Flaring (which also offers a +12 against paparazzi).

The plot of the film is simple: Lord Voldemort Hades is jealous of Zeus’s pimped out armor so he decides to overthrow the king, unleash Hell on Earth and illegally download music from the Internet. The RIAA gets wind of this and hires Perseus as a congressional lobbyist. On his perilous quest, Perseus must battle a slew of the most frightening demons ever to walk the earth: politicians.

Even more impressive than the visual splendor is the casting. Rather than using a bunch of CGI the director managed to get real political figures! Just take a look at these stills:

Sarah Palin:

Medusa from Clash of the Titans 2010

Barack Obama:

Calibos from Clash of the Titans 2010

John Boehner:

eyeball monster from Clash of the Titans 2010

Dick Cheney:

Ferryman on the River Styx

Nancy Pelosi:

Giant Scorpion from Clash of the Titans 2010

Harry Reid:

Scorpion man

Rush Limbaugh:

The Kraken

Twilight Eclipse: Doomed to Fail

•March 14, 2010 • 1 Comment

This movie has not yet been rated. The reason it has not yet been rated is because the MPAA has to come up with a whole new rating to properly describe the hot steamy action you’re going to see in Twilight Eclipse. If the books are any indication*, there will be a lot of heavy breathing, lustful gazes and even some out of wedlock hand holding. I’m talking about stuff that would make even the most progressive 1950s censor blush. My prediction for the new rating: NC-57, no one under the age of 57 will admitted. Yeah, it’s going to be that sexy.

Since Twilight’s target audience consists of Jonas Brothers fans and other teenage girls, The NC-57 rating will likely make this the lowest grossing film of all time. The studio will go bankrupt leaving the final film of the series in production limbo, hopefully until long after I am dead.

In the aftermath, Robert Pattinson will attempt to save his career by changing his image. To that end, he will purchase a hair brush and a membership to a tanning salon. Sadly, I will still have the urge to punch him in the face.

*I have not read the books; I get this information from someone who has. I would have read them myself but I have so many other things to read that are more interesting, like the warnings on the back of a box of decongestant, or the return policy on my receipt from the grocery store.

Repo Men: The Future of American Health Care!

•March 6, 2010 • 5 Comments

Repo Men will be a hilarious satire about health care and quite possibly the funniest movie to hit the big screen since the last Rocky movie. I already wet myself laughing over the idea of Forrest Whitaker as an action star. The only way they could have made this film any funnier would be if they replaced Jude Law with Mr. Belvedere.

This movie really has something for everyone, no matter what your political bent. Leftists will be able to draw out some kind of muddled statement about the dangers of skyrocketing health care costs. Right wingers will enjoy seeing deadbeats get their comeuppance and a lot of gun play. Me, I will just enjoy the Internet flame war that is already smoldering over the startling similarities to a movie called Repo! The Genetic Opera.

The premise of Repo Men is simple: In the future, the only medical condition they can’t fix is Forrest Whitaker’s face. If you pickle your liver in vodka or your pancreas can’t choke down another bag of gummy worms, you can buy an artificial replacement organ from an evil pharmaceutical corporation for just a few hundred thousand dollars. Can’t afford it? That’s OK, they’ll get you on a payment plan. Just don’t fall behind on the payment or they will repossess your organs. It’s pretty much how a company like Pfizer or GlaxoSmithKline might behave in an ultimate free market society. Ayn Rand would be proud.

Nightmare on Elm Street: Freddy vs. Terminator

•March 1, 2010 • 2 Comments

Watching the trailer for this remake of the 1984 slasher classic, Nightmare on Elm Street, it is clear that the updated version will be more terrifying than anything you’ve ever seen, including the Dwayne Johnson fright fest, Tooth Fairy (which, by the way, is guaranteed to send you running for the nearest toilet).

Just take a gander at the first 30 seconds of the trailer and tell me you don’t break out into a cold sweat over all the health and safety code violations going on at the Springwood Diner. I’m pretty sure Freddy Krueger’s finger knives are not clean enough to be slicing up the lettuce for my salad. Let’s not forget about the poor lighting in the kitchen, either. And why are all of those fires unattended? That diner is indeed the stuff of nightmares.

It’s a good thing they hired the young John Conner to come out and issue some citations before someone slips. I hope Summer Glau shows up so we can see a Freddy vs. Terminator death match. Now that might make this movie worth watching! My money is on the Terminator, since robots don’t dream.